My stubborn yet fulfilling walk with God

[Sparkle1981]

Ive had quite a difficult walk with God as im a very stubborn person when it comes to "submitting" myself.......i like to be in control and this has been a thorn in my side with God as i now that he should now have control........so let me start at the beginning

My mum became a christian when me and my older bro were toddlers, while my dad remained an atheist (and still is), so we were dragged to church every Sunday and i admit i hated it...........it was boring and all the other children were quite snobbish to me,

In my teenage years i found church even harder to deal with as we had moved to a new one which wasnt a very "joyful" place, nobody seemed to enjoy praising God!

So when my mum gave me the choice at 16 i stopped going and carried on my own way.....

I moved out when i was about 17 and moved in with a boyfriend who was a christian and attended church, but behind closed doors he was very unchristian towards me and basically tore through my very heart and mind with his actions.....i was a wreck but kept a brave face on for people outside the flat,

Whenever i went to church with him i felt incredible sadness, i would just break down and cry during the services and was a wreck.....i eventually left this man and met my now husband who opened my eyes to how women should be treated.....

On Mothers day about 6 years ago i went to my mums church with her (thankfully she has found one now that enjoys worship!), i tried to hold myself together but couldnt and my mum and her friend took me outside and spoke to me, it was a conversation that changed my life (but because of my failing memory - i cant remeber what was said)!

A week later i attended a hugh church called CCK in Brighton and gave my life to the Lord...........i was a changed women!!!

I suddenly had a thirst to read the Bible and learn as much as i could about JC.....but then i found out i was pregnant and became very sick, my husband was also becoming very sick and instead of turning to the Lord for help, i tried to deal with it myself and turned away.........i never went too far from God , but kinda cut him out for a long time....

I started going back to church when Emma was 3 but after 6 months i fell away again....my husband illness was taking its toll on me and yet again i didnt turn to God...

Am now "back on the wagon" and learning slowly to let God in when im having troubles and let Him help me, i do struggle as i see my husband in pain 24/7 and constently pray for his release from this, i dont understand why God allows this, but im learning that God is still here with me and feels my pain, and he will not let me down, i have to trust him - but being a stubborn little madam does still hinder me

I love the Lord - i dont give Him as much time as i know i should be......but am learning

[Wabco]

Thankyou for sharing that with us I can identify with your stubborness too. Sometimes when we have been hurt in the past, we shut off parts of ourselves to God (IMO) but we have to learn that God will not let us down like people do sometimes

[Sparkle1981]

very true wabco................in the past hour i have realised why im mistrusting of people in the church.....my ex was very good at putting on bavado at church and everyone thought he was wonderful, whereas he was completly different at home..........sometimes i presume that people within the church are the same.........this is something i need to overcome xx

[Butterfly]

Wabco, that is so true.

I was in a church that judged on ' what you did ' they were bible based, but black and white bible based, if you know what I mean. I regretted the years I made my children go along- they were one of the reasons I left. I was dying inside as a christian- my faith wasn't dwindling but the Holy Spirit within felt pushed away, there were no avenues to share, praise. Gifts were unappreciated.

Just this morning I was reminded of those years because of an incident on another forum. The past came up from nowhere again. However the Lord has made me realise just how much damage that had done- I didn't realise how much I relied on outward aproval from others to the convictions I carried within. It was as if I was blind to the fact the the Lord is within me through his spirit- he knows my heart. It's hard to explain, I can't settle to much today. I have to go back to the church tomorrow for a funeral - oh boy do I not want to go, but the family have personally invited me.

The Lord is truly sifting my past again at the moment, all good, all about healing- but I feel grief inside for so many wasted years listening to men and women who dictated the truth rather than lived it.

Sorry Sparkle- hyjacked your thread.
I remember what you said that day by the way--- you admitted that you were sitting on the fence.

Butterfly

[Innerlight]

Thanks for posting your story Sparkle. Letting go and trusting God 100% is one of the hardest lessons for us to learn but you certainly seem to be getting to grips with it

I have trouble myself sometimes (I guess we all do) but it becomes easier with time.

[Sparkle1981]

I think it is big thing that ALL chrisitians deal with - espcially if you have trust issues anyway

Butterfly - thanks for the reminder, really got to sort out these memory files in my head....its really starting to wind me up how i cant remember really important stuff

WHAT HAS HAPPEND TO MY BRAIN!!!!! xx

[Butterfly]

You became a mother!!

[canny]

Thanks for sharing Sparkle

[liberated]

Originally Posted by Sparkle1981

Ive had quite a difficult walk with God as im a very stubborn person when it comes to "submitting" myself.......i like to be in control and this has been a thorn in my side with God as i now that he should now have control........so let me start at the beginning

My mum became a christian when me and my older bro were toddlers, while my dad remained an atheist (and still is), so we were dragged to church every Sunday and i admit i hated it...........it was boring and all the other children were quite snobbish to me,

In my teenage years i found church even harder to deal with as we had moved to a new one which wasnt a very "joyful" place, nobody seemed to enjoy praising God!

So when my mum gave me the choice at 16 i stopped going and carried on my own way.....

I moved out when i was about 17 and moved in with a boyfriend who was a christian and attended church, but behind closed doors he was very unchristian towards me and basically tore through my very heart and mind with his actions.....i was a wreck but kept a brave face on for people outside the flat,

Whenever i went to church with him i felt incredible sadness, i would just break down and cry during the services and was a wreck.....i eventually left this man and met my now husband who opened my eyes to how women should be treated.....

On Mothers day about 6 years ago i went to my mums church with her (thankfully she has found one now that enjoys worship!), i tried to hold myself together but couldnt and my mum and her friend took me outside and spoke to me, it was a conversation that changed my life (but because of my failing memory - i cant remeber what was said)!

A week later i attended a hugh church called CCK in Brighton and gave my life to the Lord...........i was a changed women!!!

I suddenly had a thirst to read the Bible and learn as much as i could about JC.....but then i found out i was pregnant and became very sick, my husband was also becoming very sick and instead of turning to the Lord for help, i tried to deal with it myself and turned away.........i never went too far from God , but kinda cut him out for a long time....

I started going back to church when Emma was 3 but after 6 months i fell away again....my husband illness was taking its toll on me and yet again i didnt turn to God...

Am now "back on the wagon" and learning slowly to let God in when im having troubles and let Him help me, i do struggle as i see my husband in pain 24/7 and constently pray for his release from this, i dont understand why God allows this, but im learning that God is still here with me and feels my pain, and he will not let me down, i have to trust him - but being a stubborn little madam does still hinder me

I love the Lord - i dont give Him as much time as i know i should be......but am learning

Hi Sparkle1981, I am sorry to hear about your husband. If you read my post about healing, Tittled, "You can receive your healing now". It will answer your question, when you said, "I don't understand why God allows this". If your husband reads it, or you tell him about it, and if he believes what God has said about healing, and acts on it, he will receive his healing.

[gibby]

Good testimony Sparkle. Many people use the excuse of hypocrisy in the church when they make the choice not to believe. I agree hypocrisy is a problem, but we need to keep our focus on God and not on people...people let us down (and we let people down) but God doesn't.