BIg guns

[Lily]

I need the big guns on side right now please.
Canny is the only one in the world who knows what truely went on here. If I told my Father the God's honest truth, he would hunt him down in a fit of rage and i'm scared so I keep things back from certain people to protect them from themselves. Even though my dear ole Dad is a wonderful man, he's still only human and when the thought of someone hurting your baby enters your head, human emotions set in.
Besides, it isn't the right way to behave.
Nevertheless, I don't know if it's having a recent convo with my solicitor thats done it but that ( insert imaginable expletive here ) is in my head again !
He's not even here anymore to hurt me but he is if you get my meaning and I hate him again and I hate him for making me hate !
I feel like a killing machine this morning and I hate feeling this way, hate it hate it hate it !!!
I woke in a right old state in the night after he came into my dreams. The bed looked like I had been 10 rounds with godzilla, soaking wet with sweat and the first thing I did was look at the other pillow.
Had to tell myself out loud, " it's ok, he's not hear anymore, no one is going to hurt you ".
I then spent over an hour wandering the house trying to rid myself of this feeling that the dream was SO real. Checking doors and windows were locked tight, checking rooms. No, he really wasn't here but yet he was.
Then the anger, no, RAGE set in.
People have a right to mess up their own lives if they choose but how DARE they mess with other peoples !
You know, I try and keep a smile on my face but watch my eyes, they don't smile. The only time my eyes smile is when I see my lovely boy walk in or when my Princess runs toward me screeching NANNYYYYYYYYYYY.
Oh man, was that little one sent for a reason !
Luke rolls his eyes at me when I say that. He just puts it down to the normal biology between him and Nicki.
But Lily knows different. Lily knows where that little one came from and who sent her
People tell me I'm strong and courageous. Strong and courageous to still be standing after what I have been through.
What they don't know is, courage has nothing absolutely NOTHING to do with the absence of fear !
Courage to me is being afraid but carrying on anyway. Courage is not doing things alone, it's admitting you need help.
I'm finding handing this over to God very difficult on my own right now. I need some help because this package i'm trying to hand over is rather heavy this morning.
Could you help me to lift it and hand it over please to the appropriate department ?

[canny]

(((((((((((( Lil ))))))))))))) love you kid, 12.30 Lloyds Bar ,,, come

[Lily]

(((((((((((( Lil ))))))))))))) love you kid, 12.30 Lloyds Bar ,,, come

I shall try Canny. Was planning on a trip to the library to calm me down, I can't really rant and rave in there.

[Lily]

This one usually works on bad days,,,
2 Corinthians 10:5
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
and I walk round the house shouting, TAKE ITTTTTTTTTT GOD, TAKE ITTTTT, but sorry, communication seems to have broken down this morning and I have a crossed line with satan who is saying,, Gooooo onnnnn, hurt him like he hurt you.

[Onesiphorus]

I have to digest all this ,but pray in Christs name for knowledge of Christ who lives in you and "the rest"you have "in Christ "

[Lily]

I'm desperately trying to remember a verse that also usually helps and I can usually reciete it with no problem but my brain is in such a state this morning, I can't even think if it's a Psalm or a Proverb and Biblegateway was no help giving me reams and reams and just made me want to practise my kick boxing skills on my monitor
Oh pants, I do apologise everyone, I've got a right one on me today
The verse goes something like this,,,
Never take it upon yourself to repay a wrong. Trust in the Lord and he will make it right.

[Lily]

Ya know, doesn't God have the cutest way of working !
Within minutes of me making my last post, going on Bible gateway and me having this overwhelming desire to practice my kick boxing skills on my monitor, my Daughter in law rang to ask would I like to have my Granddaughter for the night and tomorrow.
I asked were they going anywhere nice.
" No " she said, " just wondered if you would like to spend sometime with her "
All that anger vanished in a split second !
It wasn't my Daughter in law speaking. I know who it was and he was saying, " Just thought you needed a diversion today Lil "
And within minutes of that call, Canny turned up at my door with flowers