Ticklish? Daily Doze

[JIP]

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's, and McDonald's brought forth the $3.20 double-cheeseburger, and Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?", and Man said, "Super size them."

And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt.

And Woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese, and there was ice cream for dessert.

And Woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken- fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained pounds, and his cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to work to change channels.

And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fat fried them. He created sour cream dip also, and Man clutched his remote control, and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw that and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery...

And Satan created private health insurance ....

[JIP]

Evolution


Cloning

[canny]

Satan almost got the upper hand there,,,, oooo creamy dip


Dust

[JIP]

”Satanic Visit” One Sunday morning, everyone in a bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

[canny]

[canny]

A man in a hot air balloon, realising he was lost, reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted to the lady
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an
hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.

"Actually I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is
technically correct but I've no idea what to make of your information
and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at
all. If anything, you've delayed my trip ".

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you
expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in
exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow,
it's my flipping fault."

[JIP]

LOL, uncanningly so true

[JIP]

”Rough Weather” A jet ran into some turbulent weather.
To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts.
"I'd like a soda," said a passenger in the first row. Moving along, the attendant asked the man behind her if he would like something.
"Yes, I would," he replied. "Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!"

[canny]

lol

[JIP]

Aunt Emma
A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.
For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.
Eventually, the old girl passed away.
On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years."
His wife looked at him aghast.
"My Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was 'your' Aunt Emma!"