Ticklish? Daily Doze

[canny]

Christmas Eve Accident

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pockets and finds mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

"They're Carol's."

[canny]

Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[Chipper]

Oh thats hilarious canny.....

[Chipper]

Christmas Eve Accident

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pockets and finds mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

"They're Carol's."

lol..

[canny]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable
level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[canny]

WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY TO EXPLAIN IT!!!!!

A sick man turned to his doctor,

as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said,
"Doctor, I am afraid to die.

Tell me what lies on the other side."

Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know."

"You don't know?

You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?"

The doctor was holding the handle of the door;

on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining,

and as he opened the door,

a dog sprang into the room

and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.

Turning to the patient, the doctor said,

"Did you notice my dog?

He's never been in this room before.
He didn't know what was inside.

He knew nothing except that his master was here,

and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear.

I know little of what is on the other side of death,

but I do know one thing...

I know my Master is there and that is enough."

[canny]

"God Said No"

I asked God to take away my habit.

God said, "No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, "No. His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary."

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, "No. Patience is a by-product of tribulations; it isn't granted, it is learned."

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, "No. I give you blessings; happiness is up to you."

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, "No. Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me."


I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, "No. You must grow on your own but I will prune you to make you fruitful."

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, "No. I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things."


I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said, "Ahhhh, finally you have the idea."

[canny]

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

[canny]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2jdWH9N-JXI

[canny]

YouTube - Tim Hawkins Things you don't say to your wife