The Daily Funnies

[canny]

One of our stand in Priests has this effect on me


Modern Church

A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you." The vicar accepted the offer and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.

Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them while they were gone, he had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man, "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.

But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar.

"You just wait until Sunday." said the rich man.

When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reach the front of the church it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.

"Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvellous!"

The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.

"Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvellous!"

[ByHisGrace]

[eddybear]

Yup, 'gonna be a bear!

Being a bear is highly recommended

edit: just read the church joke

[canny]

A Dog's Letters to God

Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we dogs sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

[ByHisGrace]

NEWS HEADLINES

Tragedy in Glasgow High Street Paper shop ............. due to high winds ... it blew away

[canny]

NEWS HEADLINES

Tragedy in Glasgow High Street Paper shop ............. due to high winds ... it blew away

[canny]

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A. Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.

[deia]

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.
"No!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was,"No!"
"Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!

[it`s not about me ]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

[canny]

Spelling Checker

I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.

[gibby]

Pull your hair out: